John is my devoted husband and best friend. He is also a very quirky guy with all sorts of ideas going on. This is his own sub-blog, if you will, and we will be updating this page daily with a random thought from John. Keep in mind, 99% of these little tidbits were said with complete sincerity and seriousness. Enjoy!

[EDIT: I’d like to add that John does not use any controlled substances, despite what his thought processes may indicate.]

Friday, June 19: I wish they wouldn’t call it No Doz. It’s so… derogatory. Why not “Rise Aid” or “Wake Aid?”

Friday, June 12: (as I was explaining a legal theory to him)

Break it down for me. I may be a simpleton, but I’m not an idiot.

Tuesday June 9: Can I make music videos of our dogs?

Monday June 8: Carrot Top rules!!

(me: what?? where did that come from?)

Those will be my last words.

Sunday June 7: Did you ever notice how white people always wear black and black people always wear white?

Sunday April 5: (In response to this article)

Scientists, when will you learn? Babies don’t need rocket fuel.

Friday February 20: I couldn’t give a shit about a guy who can throw a rubber ball into a basket. That’s a John’s Corner quote. Slam dunk!

Wednesday February 4: (as Lulu comes trotting out of the bathroom all wet) I gave her a “puppy power wash,” which includes the undercarriage only.

Monday February 2: (singing to the tune of Bon Jovi’s “Bed of Roses” while sorting spinach) I’m gonna laaaay yooou down… on a bed of spinach…

Monday February 2: (Picks up a giant leaf of spinach that must have made it in the bag accidentally) If there’s baby spinach and regular spinach, they should call this grandpa spinach.

Friday January 16: My damn inbox needs to shrink-ify.

Friday January 9: I wish someone made nosephones, like headphones but for your nose. I would choose the smell of the Art building, 1st floor.

Thursday January 8: (watching TV) They can put ads in front of me, but I don’t have to focus my eyes.

Thursday December 18: Sad news about that polar bear, eh?

(me: Which one?)

Oh, all of them. They’re going extinct.

Tuesday November 25: Pugs should be marketed as interactive squish balls.

Sunday November 23: I wish people’s status in society was measured by the thickness of their glasses. I’d be a king!

Saturday November 8: (walking around in Best Buy) I feel like I’m in the future.


(walking into Game Stop) The smell of B.O. and french fries is thick in here.

Friday November 7: Ouch! My ulcer! Which I affectionately call “Uncle Muscles” … (trails off)

Sunday November 2: (me: you should really be donating all those socks to Goodwill instead of throwing them away.)

Nobody wants used socks! They are muffin stumps!

Thursday October 30: If you want to be a Republican, do so in the privacy of the voting booth. Because no one wants to hear your shitty ideas.

Monday October 21: Too bad rainbows are associated with gays.

(me, laughing: Why??)

Because rainbows are cool. (pause)  There, I said it.

Monday October 21: I think drinking coffee makes your blood viscous.

Tuesday September 30: Sneezes are like saying “fuck you” to the tickle in your nose.

Saturday September 27: (watching a show about the cosmos and pouting) But I don’t like when black holes rule the universe.

Friday September 26: When you see a dirty glove on the ground, I’d be willing to bet a homeless man used it to wipe his ass.

Thursday September 25: So do you have any law classes in tax evasion? And the best way to avoid paying? Or do you have to go to the school of hard knocks for that?

Tuesday September 23: Oh and I bet Hellen Keller was a slut.

Tuesday September 23: You only like the cool electronic sound when it’s mainstream. You’re NOT cool.

Friday September 19: The moon reminds me of just how pointless life is.

Friday September 19: You’re really gonna let this whole internet thing pass you by?

Thursday September 18: (getting into bed) Dang I forgot to let my contacts out.

(Me: “let them out?”)

Yeah so my eye capsules can breathe.

Wednesday September 17: Special occasions call for Jell-O shots.

Tuesday September 16: I wonder how Graboids would fare in an urban, downtown situation.

Monday September 15: (as I was grabbing a popsicle from the freezer) Hey hook me up! Wing me one of them ‘cicles!

Sunday September 14: You’ll make a good old lady.

Tuesday, September 2: Teen Wolf versus the Harlem Globe Trotters: who would win?

Monday, September 1: Wouldn’t it be funny if in five years you found out that I wasn’t really going to work all these years, but I was actually hanging out at a bar?

Thursday August 28: Please give a shout-out to Peter Haskett and Raymond Huffman. They are modern day martyrs. They have given their lives for entertainment, especially Raymond. Who died before he knew of the taped incidences. forever!

Friday August 22: (yells this in the middle of the night while sleeping)

Look at those moose horns! Moose horns.

Wednesday August 20: (after going to Subway for lunch) I like they way they folded the meat on my sub. The other Subway we go to–I hate it! They just lay the meat flat. Who wants to eat flat chunks of meat? FOLD THE MEAT. Let it aerate and get some texture! You know?

Monday August 18: You are my beta test group.

Sunday August 17: They should just get rid of Olympic bronze medals. Nobody wants them. They are insulting. Like, look you suck. Here’s a bronze. Who wants that??

Saturday August 16: Are you ready to go to the bicycle store to drop off my bike?

(me: sure just let me put on a different shirt.)

Don’t look too clean. Try to dress more “street.” I don’t want them to think I’m a yuppie walking in with my wife.

Friday August 15: We should have weird stuff in our basement so when we’re old, our grandkids think we’re cool and want to come over.

Thursday August 14: Man I don’t even know how engineers come up with new chip ideas.

(me: Engineers? Chips?)

(Holding up pretzel crisp) Yeah. You’d need a whole factory just to produce a prototype chip!

Wednesday August 13: Do bugs defecate? Is that what spiders’ silk is? Man, that would be awesome if you could poop something useful.

Tuesday August 12: We found a spider in the hobbit hole [what they call the area behind a big bush next to their building] at work today. He made a big web. Then we found a huge bumblebee on the ground! So Ricky stepped on it and we threw it in the web! We call him Speederman. You know, like Spiderman?

**a while later**

So we checked on Speederman and guess what? He cocooned the first bee off. Then we found a HUGE grasshopper and Ricky and I used teamwork to catch it. Then we killed it. But he was still kicking so when we fed him to Speederman he wrecked his web a bit. We will be feeding him later. He will eat well.

[check back to see if this epic saga continues!]

Sunday August 10: (me: Will you clean the kitchen?)


(me: John will you please clean the kitchen since I made dinner?)

Oh- I thought you were talking to Lulu.

Saturday August 9: (me: PLEASE don’t wear those shoes on our bike ride.)

Why not? Folding my socks over the laces keeps them from getting caught in the gears.

Friday August 8: Man I hope I never go to prison.

Wednesday August 6: Did you hear they give greyhounds beer after races to relax their muscles? We should give Maggie beer to make her fat and dozey.

Monday August 4: My hair style is like 1950s serial killer chic or something.

Sunday August 3: (me: why don’t you like going into the bedroom to watch tv at night?)

Because I have a high coefficient of friction.

Friday August 1: It’s weird how when you look at a cow, you can’t tell the pretty ones. But when you look at horses, you can tell which ones look good. A horse is a pretty animal, but a cow is just a big fat animal.

Thursday July 31: Maggie and Lulu are like prison inmates in this apartment. They relate to each other on some primal level, but deep down they want to slash each others’ throat.

Monday July 28: We went to the San Diego Zoo today. It’s even better than the Milwaukee Zoo!

(me: you don’t say…)

Saturday July 26: (shutting down his laptop)

Shhhh…. That’s it, little Mac-y. Go to sleep. Shhhh…

Friday July 25: (I know this isn’t a “quote,” but I couldn’t resist.)

I have recently caught John on multiple occasions making “cheese sandwiches” by sticking 4 sticks of string cheese between two pieces of bread.

Thursday July 24: (repeating over and over for no reason)

Dope rhymes dope rhymes dope rhymes dope rhymes dope rhymes….

Tuesday July 22: (holding up an overripe bunch of bananas)

These bananas feel like when I hug your grandma. Here–feel.

Tuesday July 22: (after saying something sweet to me)

Why don’t you put that on John’s Corner? My Corner will span the four corners of the world: my quirkiness, my romantical ways, and um… I haven’t decided the other two. *pause* Talent and ambition!!

Monday July 21: (me: Dare I ask what you did today at work?)

Well, me and Ricky (coworker) were walking down the hallway and Ricky was trying to throw a candy wrapper on top of a clock [don’t ask me why–I don’t know]. And then I told him that when the world comes crashing down on itself, that may be the only remnant of our civilization. So then I tried to help him.

Monday July 21: What would you do if a Black Widow crawled in your ear, laid eggs, and then stabbed you? What would your reaction be?

Sunday July 20: (He puts Maggie down by dropping her to the floor, and she lands on her back– we all gasp and ask if Maggie is OK.)

Jeez I didn’t think she’d land like that! She’s like the opposite of a cat or something!

(you think??)

Friday July 18: Do you ever wish you could just go BLAAHGHGHGA! and turn your whole body inside out and scrub it?

Wednesdau July 16: (me: So what did you do at work today?)

Well, I was walking to my office and I saw a puddle with a bunch of wasps in it. So then I went and got Ricky (a coworker) and showed him the puddle.

Saturday July 5: So let’s say you’re being held up and somebody is demanding your stuff. You know, give me your fucking wallet! What do you think would happen if you let out a big fart right then? Do you think it would lighten the mood?

Wednesday July 2: Oh no I forgot to put the popsicles away last night!

(me: why did you do that?!)

Because I am a vengeful god.

Tuesday July 1: (me: John, what time is it?)

(Pausing) Whoa whoa whoa. Hang on– I’ve got a 16 ounce beer here.

Tuesday July 1: (me: what’s your workday look like today?)

It reminds me of my laundry: I only really NEED clean underwear and socks, but I have to wash everything.

Monday June 30: NOBODY poops in a bar.

Wednesday June 25: (me: I cleaned the apartment.) I give mad props to you. I am raising the proverbial roof for you.

Tuesday June 24: (to me) Boy you really picked a good profession to be tall in. Don’t waste that gift!

Friday June 20: (me: did you go to water parks a lot as a kid?)

I don’t like the idea of being wet around other people.

Thursday June 19: (two nights in a row he has woken up screaming this) WHAT THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?! THEY’RE LIVE WIRES! LIVE FIBERS! WIRES! WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!

Wednesday June 18: (putting the flowers he got for me into a vase) I should be a “bouquet-ist.”

Tuesday June 17: (looking at Lulu’s pile of shit on the floor) Life finds a way…

Sunday June 15: (yelling at Kia commercial) People don’t want to buy your shit! I’ll pay $129 a month to see a man on the moon!

Sunday June 15: I think suicide machines will become quite popular when we’re old.

Saturday June 14: I feel like there’s so much cool stuff on the internet and I just don’t know what it is.

Sunday June 8: I am SO mad there is no HD video of the moon.

Monday May 19: (John walks into the bathroom and closes the door–says this to no one in particular) I bet I could design the ultimate dog ball.

Wednesday May 14: Do you think you can download Christian music illegally? Or is not available because their moral compasses are set to the right path?

Wednesday May 14: (Watching American Gladiators on ESPN Classics) You remember “agility.” It was a 90’s thing. Nowadays you don’t hear so much about agility…

Wednesday April 30: I had a dream last night where my brothers hired prostitutes and my mom walked in and caught them and freaked out. Only the prostitutes were Maggie and Lulu.

Wednesday April 23: (walking through the grocery store, we hear a crash and the shattering of glass.)

(practically frantic) I hope that wasn’t a jar of pickles!!

Wednesday April 23: (conversation had online)

A baby wasp just fell on my head.

(me: how do you know it’s a baby?)

It was all tiny.

Wednesday April 23: (me: Does my hair look OK like this?)

It does look a little bulky…

(Me: My hair looks “bulky?”)

Oh, I was talking about your outfit.

(Me: Thanks…)

Monday April 21: (Driving past a truck with a horse trailer) (me: Man I loved horses when I was like 7!)

John: Then I’m surprised you don’t like Maggie more. She’s like a horse–all muscley and shiny.

Thursday April 17: (putting on jacket) I don’t know if I can wear this jacket–it’s too cool. I’ll look too cool. People will think I’m a jerk.

Thursday April 17: I think I’m going to give up John’s Corner. Time to say goodbye. Time to say goodbye to childish things…

(me: noooooooooooooo!)

Wednesday April 16: I wish it was me who invented the zipper.

Saturday April 12: (holding up a glass of Diet Coke) Look–I made my own fountain soda. It’s ice and soda!

Friday April 11: Man it would be great to have Pee Wee’s life! Screw off all day and then go to the magic store…!

Tuesday April 8: Look at all our friends getting married. That’s so passé.

Sunday April 6: (peering into my shopping bag stuffed with goodies for the bathtub) How much do these “bath bombs” cost?

(me: about $5-$8 each)

Jesus! Why don’t we just toss $50 in cash into the bathtub and see how good it feels while it dissolves.

Friday April 4: Look what I did to my Chapstick (holding up a white tube of Chapstick with the plastic label peeled off). I call it “iChap.”

Wednesday April 2: (about an acquaintance) She seems like she would be the type to fart a lot.

Tuesday April 1: The way I see it, you could eat your entire body except for your stomach and then just kind of shrink your head in there. Well, you’d probably need someone to help you.

Monday March 31: Do you think any bugs die of natural causes?

Monday March 31: (after pouring powdered coffee creamer into his mug) Aw! I pour all this dust into my cup and there’s no coffee left!

Monday March 31: (me: Happy April Fools’ Day!)

Let’s not pay our rent this month as a joke.

Saturday March 29: (to me) You’re so frail. You have little paper mache hands. When you’re an old lady, you’re just going to tear in half.

Tuesday March 25: Don’t fill the dogs’ water bowl with water from the Britta filter.

(me: Why not?)

Because dogs don’t live long enough.

Wednesday March 12: Only childs suck.

me: Don’t you mean “only children” suck?

No, because there’s only one. Or… uh… it’s a confusing topic.

Wednesday March 12: We should download some movies onto our iPhones for the plane ride.

me: No thanks. Since it’s an overnight flight, I plan on sleeping.

But what if the plane gets hijacked? Don’t you want something to keep your mind busy?

Saturday March 8: (As I watched Pride and Prejudice) Who likes this kind of movie?

me: Women.

High self-esteem? Or low self-esteem?

Wednesday March 5: Lulu is a potato and Maggie is a carrot. Or a pepper.

Tuesday March 4: I have decided that I love little puzzles. They will be my passion in life. And I will solve them. They make me happy.

Monday March 3: How come there are so few Gummy Bears in here?? It feels like they should be never-ending.

Wednesday February 27: Mmmmm…. cloudy water and ice cubes that taste like garlic. I think I should call it a “cloud-tini.”

Wednesday February 27: I haven’t gotten obese. Where’s my award??

Tuesday February 26: Let’s dominate this TV watching and beer drinking!

Wednesday February 20: I hate the letter “y.”

(me: What?? How can you “hate” the letter “y?”)

It’s so asymmetrical.

Tuesday February 19: Isn’t cologne made of whale blubber? I think it is…

Monday February 18: Your breath smells like cat food (after I’d eaten refried beans). It’s probably the bulk of what’s in cat food anyway. That, and ash. Who’s got all this ash and is like, “Buy my ash!” I looked at Maggie’s face, and she was like, “I don’t want your ash!”

Sunday February 17: (speaking to coffee pot, watching it brew) Come on coffee–I don’t have all day! Well, I do have all day. But that’s none of your business!

Saturday February 16: (me: Should I go shopping today?) Do whatever you want. You can boil your shoes and eat them if you want.

Wednesday February 13: (Watching The Goonies) Cory Feldman was always doing such cool stuff. Like sitting on counters and stuff.

Monday February 11: I would never accuse someone of being cheap. I encourage cheapness. I wholeheartedly support cheapness.

Sunday February 10: (After watching a movie trailer for Married Life) I love you so much that I won’t ever put arsenic in you pill bottles.

Saturday February 9: Well they are making stamps bigger now, so I feel like I’m getting a better value for my money.

Saturday February 9: (Watching some guys snowblow) But what if there’s a car in that snow drift?

Friday February 8: What do you mean, “what?” You hit her in the head with a coffee pot.

Thursday February 7: My fingers fit in Maggie’s head like a bowling ball.

Wednesday February 6: Here’s a scenario for you: They discover big foot is real and they capture Osama bin Laden on the same day. Which do you think would make the headline?

Monday February 4: There comes a point in every man’s life where he says, “You know, I just want to tuck my shirt in.” You wouldn’t understand.

Sunday February 3: I think I need to eat more pistachios on a daily basis.

Wednesday January 30: me: I am dying of tiredness.

Or “tiredity,” as they call it in the medical world.

Wednesday January 30: I think you could put Maggie in a room with 100 squirrels and she’d kill them all.

Monday January 28: I wish I could sleep like a fetus. Just floating. I hate how when I sleep now, my bones all get crushed.

Saturday January 26: Come give me a hug. I had a bad dream.

me: What was it about?

You died and turned into a Lego toy that symbolized your death.

me: uh…

Friday January 25: You’re not going to run away with a charismatic outlaw, are you?

Thursday January 24: D.W.I. Deal With It.

Wednesday January 23: me: Why don’t you ever wear that cologne I got you?

A guy who wears cologne every day is a douchebag.

Monday January 21: Are you or are you not Stonewall Jackson?

Saturday January 19: Pretzels dipped in butter… I like to call them “butter kisses.”

Friday January 18: Look at all this waste (pointing to the shells from edamame and an orange peel). And we’re trying to be green. You should start a compost heap in your pocket.

Friday January 18: But seriously folks… leading a chaste life. That’s where it’s at.

Thursday January 17: I’m going to call you Bilbo Bloggins from now on.

Wednesday January 16: me: I am so much fatter than you.

No you aren’t. My fat rolls are hiding Taco Bell that I save for later.

Monday January 7: me: I hate this pillow. I think I’m going to use the one from the guest bedroom.

John: Don’t say anything you’ll regret!

me: what??

Sunday January 6: (banging on candy cane with a hammer) I hate how these get stuck in my teeth when I chew on them.

me: why don’t you just suck on it?

John: Because this way I can just eat the dust, without any of the fuss. Or more fuss… depending on how you look at it.

Saturday January 5: (listening to radio) Ooh Huey Lewis!

me: It’s hip to be square.

You don’t have to tell me twice!

Thursday January 3: Sometimes I think I forgive too easily.

me: But sometimes that’s not a good thing.

But look at Jesus. He turned out alright.

Thursday January 3: (12am, laying in bed, drifting off to sleep. Me: What’s your New Year’s resolution?)

Get in shape, dickhead! Glow bones!! (followed by 20 minutes of hysterical laughter)

(it is in reference to this lame Tim and Eric skit…)

Wednesday January 2: Where is my other shoe, dadgummit?

Monday December 31: Mr. Gorbachev, scramble that cube!

Monday December 31: What’s this show called? “Cool Stuff Happens”?

Wednesday December 26: Happy day after Christmas! Also known as Maggie day! (me: actually, I think it’s Boxing Day today.) Well, she’s kind of a boxer.

Tuesday December 25: Lulu would make a good wild animal in a warehouse. Or a mansion or museum. (me: what??) Can’t you just imagine her prancing around the Jelly Belly factory eating jelly beans and guarding it and stuff?

Sunday December 23: The only good thing to come out of the 90’s was Jurassic Park. And you can quote me on that.

Saturday December 22: (me: these pups are so cute.) John: Which ones?

Saturday December 22: I hate pickles. (2 minutes later…) I’ve actually never had a pickle. But they are so revolting. I can’t believe somebody looked at this and said, “I want to put this thing in my mouth and chew it and then swallow it.”

Friday December 21: You’re not learning how to gamble. You’re learning a life lesson. You’re learning to play Texas Hold’em should the need ever arise.

Friday December 21: (in the elevator) It smells like “Eau du Saturday Night” in here– Frat Guy Edition.

Thursday December 20: A picture is worth a thousand words. Well, I guess it depends how many megapixels it is.

Monday December 17: So much to do, so little time. So much to do, so little : : SMACK : :

(he walked into the wall)

Saturday December 15: I can’t be cool on demand, you know.

Friday December 14: You look at me like you’ve never seen another human being before. Like alien autopsy.

Thursday December 13: You know our kids are going to be uglier than shit.

Wednesday December 12: I Looooooooooooove this ice maker. It is probably my favoritest kitchen thing ever.

Tuesday December 11: What is waterboarding?

(I explain it to him)

But isn’t that torture?

Monday December 10: (In response to us not turning the heat on) We’re living like paupers here. Even poor people have their burning trash cans.

Wednesday December 5: I don’t even want to live in this primitive world anymore. (when changing the channel from the HD channels to the regular ones)

Tuesday December 4: Coffee is like beer but the opposite.

Monday December 3: Where is all my gear slash gearettes?

Sunday December 2: We couldn’t find a bar, so we are going to the casino.

(me: we live in the city with the highest per capita bar ratio in the nation. How could you “not find a bar?”)

Thursday November 29: (singing along with Christmas songs) Tiny tots, with their eyes in the snow… and folks dressed up like mistletoe….

Wednesday November 28: Look at this lady–she’s taking a whiz in the book-drop.

Wednesday November 28: (flipping through channels) What’s this show? It’s on the “Logo” network?

(me: Oh that’s the network for homosexuals.)

But there are women on this show…

(me: Umm… women can be gay.)

Tuesday November 27: Wow, your forehead is really shiny!

(me: Um… thanks?)

Wow, your whole face is really shiny–you look like a giant snowglobe!

Monday November 26: You call it obsessive. I call it passionate.

Monday November 26: The gang is back together!

(me: What? What gang?)

The Saved By The Bell gang–and they’re in Hawaii!

Sunday November 25: Your hair looks like a 1950s house.

Thursday November 22: I need an electric scooter to take me places.

Wednesday November 21: (out of nowhere, of course) I really think we should try a dousing rod.

Monday November 19: Instead of saying, “My, my, my how the tables have turned,” you should say, “Well look whose shit is clogging the toilet now.”

Sunday November 18: Why can’t I find a metal Rubik’s cube for under $100?

(me: Why does it need to be metal?)

You might say I’m a cube fanatic now.

Saturday November 17: Holding Maggie is like trying to hold a lead pipe.

Friday November 16: You’re just keeping up with the trends. I’m setting them.

Wednesday November 14: Can’t I just get you flowers and a card for your birthday? Do I HAVE to get you perfume?

Tuesday November 13: Carnations probably weren’t that bad in the 80s. That’s when they started making them.

Monday November 12: The song “Safety Dance” always reminds me how to spell “safety.”

Sunday November 11: Who watches football? It is so lame and boring. Even watching the scores and highlights is boring enough.

(Me: Since when do you watch highlights?)

Saturday November 10: Man, my heels are such callus factories.

Friday November 9: Aaww Lulu–that was such a cute mouth fart!

Thursday November 8: When you get to the point that you’re hanging your bras to dry in the living room, you should just give up on life.

Wednesday November 7: Laundry is for sucks.

Tuesday November 6: Boy this daylight savings time is really giving me jetlag.

Tuesday November 6: (out of nowhere) Send the salami to the boy in the army.

Monday November 5: Are you having fun yet basking in my glow?

Sunday November 4: (me: I think the Boston Redsocks swept the series.)

They need to update that saying for the 21st century. It should be “they vacuumed the series.”

Thursday November 1: Why do they call them chopsticks? They don’t chop anything. They should call them pincher sticks or grab sticks.

Thursday November 1: Can you imagine getting a papercut on your eyeball?! Oh man!

Wednesday October 31: No one will ever suspect you because you keep to yourself and are quiet- but really you’re a law school ninja.

Tuesday October 30: (7am, right after waking up and still sitting in bed) Wow you’re really letting your hair go–you’re not even brushing it.

Monday October 29: People act like our society is so depraved. But back in Roman times, they were doing weird stuff too–general body mutilation, making their heads like cones… in a civilized society, that stuff is bound to happen.

Sunday October 28: (car tires screeching outside) Aww… I didn’t hear a crash. People need to start crashing more often.

Saturday October 27: Maggie is the kind of dog that would gnaw your face off if you were passed out from a drug overdose.

Friday October 26: I like Nerds Ropes. They are a good way to access a lot of Nerds at once.

Thursday October 25: Your hair will look fine tomorrow. You’ll grow into it. (about my new haircut)

Wednesday October 24: I know what you could be for Halloween- you should dress up as a version of your former self. Like 15 years ago when you were fat and had a huge head. (this was me when I was 9 or so:

Yeah, yuck it up, asshole.)

Tuesday October 23: I can re-use this coffee filter and these beans to make another pot of coffee, right?

Tuesday October 23: (4am, wakes me up) How about we get up and watch the sunrise? It would be romantical.

Monday October 22: In hindsight, yellow M&Ms probably would have shown up better in the dark.

Sunday October 21: For Halloween, you should dress up as a “sexy beekeeper.”

Saturday October 20: I’ll make a path to the door using blue M&Ms so people know they are headed in the right direction.

Friday October 19: (out of nowhere) What’s a haberdashery?

Thursday October 18: I wish I could genetically cross Maggie with a fox and then I could call her MaggieFox- like FireFox.

Tuesday October 16: Maybe we should get some noise-makers and hats for the engagement party.

Monday October 15: Wouldn’t it be fun if you could make people laugh just by the way you looked?

Sunday October 14: Did you put butter on your shoes?

Saturday October 13: It always smells like Christmas here.

Friday October 12: I think if the pinkie was as long as the middle finger, we would use it more.

Wednesday October 10: Something smells like chocolate. Does that mean I’m about to have a stroke?

Tuesday October 9: Everything tastes better through a straw.

Monday October 8: Somebody should make a website that trains dogs to hit the spacebar and then a new picture of a dog will pop up for them to look at… or whatever dogs are interested in, really. Maybe a picture of a dog treat?

Sunday October 7: Who has friends these days anyway?

Friday October 5: Eating parmesan cheese right out the container is completely normal. It’s just cheese.

Thursday October 4: Maggie is such a freakazoidal membrane.

Wednesday October 3 (9:50pm): You smell like an Applebee’s.

Wednesday October 3: I wish I could just wear the same thing every day, but just have it be clean. Like a cartoon character. Maybe all white.

Tuesday October 2: So I was letting Maggie out and I could totally see these two people having sex through their second story window. Well, that or the dude was fucking his pillow.

Monday, October 1: Would you rather be Frau Farbissina or Mini Me?

Sunday, September 30: Oh man, you were one of those kids. You liked Golden Grahams. There are two types of kids in this world: those who like Golden Grahams and those who don’t.