I hate to use the term douchebag, since I really should be able to come up with a more appropriate and socially-acceptable word. But douchebag really sums up exactly what I am thinking. For instance, take this definition from UrbanDictionary.com: “A person with a shitty personality that needs to ‘take themselves the fuck down’ or ‘go home and get their fucking shine box.’ A douchebag usually assumes the form of a hair-gelling pretty-boy but can also be described as an overzealous, pompous, or vexatious asshole…” Additionally, a douchebag can be described as: “An individual who has an over-inflated sense of self worth, compounded by a low level of intelligence, behaving ridiculously in front of colleagues with no sense of how moronic he appears.”

So with that in mind, I really do feel like I am attending a douchebag convention at least once a week when I step foot in the law school building. For those of you astute enough to figure out where I go to school (it ain’t hard), I do not mean to imply that this is something unique to my campus or even my law school. I am sure that most private colleges and most law schools have more than their fair share of douchebags on campus. Also, I have been to two different public universities and I know I encountered more than enough douchebags there as well. However, I think something about the study of law brings out the douchiness in people. For example, applying that second definition of douchebag to my classmates is not hard, considering many of them insist on calling one another “colleagues” rather than simply “classmates” or “friends.

If you need further assistance in identifying douchebags, this little diagram should help. douchebag.gif

Now, I do take offense to the use of the word “gayer” to describe his attire (and that perhaps makes the author a douchebag himself), but this visual should give you a better idea of what you need to keep a look out for. Also, if you hear someone discussing their weekend in Chicago as if they just took a trip to Thailand’s red light district, you can be sure that he is a douche. If he continues on about his cab driver from Sudan who should have “gone back where he came from” despite legal residency for 14 years, you know you’ve got a douchebag on your hands. It’s just Chicago. You aren’t the first person on earth to enjoy a night out in Wrigleyville. Oh, and you’re a racist asshole. I thought more of you, Mr. McStinkeypants. And what did I tell you about those camouflage shorts?!

It can be more difficult to identify a female douchebag, since it takes more than simple vanity to qualify. It takes a little something… extra. Something special. However, here is a good rule of thumb: if you wear Coach loafers and a Coach fedora, you are a douchebag. Also, if you cannot lower yourself to take public transportation, wear drugstore cosmetics, read for enjoyment, or date someone who does not match the above visual, you are a female douchebag. Overdone highlights, tight clothing, and designer backpacks do not help. Dark lip liner is always a dead giveaway.

Anyhow, the point of all of this is really just that I wanted to complain. I have to wonder what goes through people’s heads sometimes. Why do they go to such great lengths to be such… abhorrent people? Maybe some of them are actually kind and intelligent and I am just blinded by my preconceived notions. But in my nearly 26 years on this planet, I have yet to be proven wrong (although I welcome the chance). Something about law school seems to make people think that they need to fake the fact that they have money to burn. Their sense of entitlement rises to astronomic proportions. They must rise above the “little people” because knowing what constitutes burglary automatically makes them a better person. They deserve to have others buy them drinks at the bar because, hey, everyone needs to have connections with a lawyer! They should let their inner dirtball come out and shine, I guess.

I am sure someone has thought at some point that I am a douchebag. No one is immune. I don’t mean to come off all high and mighty, like some kind of judgmental jerk. But sometimes when I walk the halls of this building, I see people that really make me try my hardest to be the antithesis of douchebaggery, whatever that might be.